As a small child, about 5 years old, spending 22 hours a day in bed, sick; having hallucinations because of fever attacks; thinking, as the only way to entertain myself due to not being able to move and play with other kids. The only times being not sick spent playing with Meccanos, trying to build more complex cars and robots of what the instructions suggested. A life of living dizzy, spending 90% of the time in bed, sick and fever attacks, thinking about space and putting together little machines.
As an older child, about 10 years old, watching the surroundings and seeing men with long hair and beards, dressing those tight pants with very wide legs at the bottom; small simple cars and long songs propelled by drugs; with the rainbow used in everything around; the 70’s! Boring school and pesty homework. Observing the surroundings and learning people listen to music with eyes closed; lots of cigarettes smoke in the houses; men and women holding hands; different shapes of cars. A life of discovering with curiosity the world outside my bedroom, the one I couldn’t see before. Falling in love with cars and machines. Gathering infinite curiosity for people and the world they lived in.
As a teenager, about 17 years old, trying to make myself a space in society but didn’t know how to interact with people, so left behind in every aspect of life. Observing the consequences of a military dictatorship that remained for an unknown amount of time. Solitary walks with hands in pockets, thinking, observing, desiring, falling in love with every beautiful girl around, yet unable to connect. Watching the changes in clothes; car shapes and music all around while standing still in life. Wanting to be part of society. Desires and loneliness. A life of living alone; knowing something was wrong with me, that I was different. Trying to understand people and myself. Wishing to be part of society and their way of life.
As a young adult, about 28 years old, frustrated with life and society. Married in a non-working marriage. Being a father of a wonderful baby. Not able to be part of society and so left behind. Not able to provide. I was different; I couldn’t fit; I didn’t know why; I hated myself. Watching the dictatorship falling apart, and the grand entrance of democracy. Cars becoming more complicated and girls still being beautiful. Living a life spiraling down. Criticized from every front. Feeling life was so wonderful, but I wasn’t able to take it. Wanting to runaway and disappear, but a wonderful baby needed a father, so he saved my life several times when I was ready to end it; his smile; his projected love; I just couldn’t leave him alone.
As an adult, about 35 years old, dedicated to live for the family. Fix the house; fix the cars; fix the TV sets and the many other things that were always breaking apart. Creating a comfortable house to live in. Working on cars on my own and delivering papers at night. I’d found a way to work without having to connect with society. I found how to live in society without being one of them, but still not knowing who I was. Still frustrated and tired of trying. Still being criticized from every front. Having to stop all connection with my parents and start considering them dead. A life with only two joys; spending time with my son, reading, watching movies, talking, hugging; and the infinite pleasures of leaving time and space behind while working on cars, something I could understand and that could understand me; cars and I became very good friends…just like my son and I.
As a preview of an older man, about 50 years old, finally discovering why I was different; why I couldn’t fit; I was an Aspie; I knew then I would never fit, no matter what I tried. Going through the whole process; depression; anger; resignation and newly discovered happiness. Yet paying the price of acquiring Fibromyalgia Syndrome throughout the process. All the dreams of what life should be in the future destroyed by a body that wouldn’t respond anymore. What else, damn it!!
Since then to this day, when I am 53 years old, soon to be 54, fighting the syndrome, the side effects; driving high with the medicines and gaining weight out of control (40 lbs in two years). Discovering what an Aspie is and with it who I am. Enjoying a wonderful relationship of friendship with my son, the baby that saved my life so many times before.
Yet still unable to be part of society, although I simply don’t care anymore. Just trying to survive day by day and enjoying the moment, as the syndrome showed me life is hanging from a very thin cord. A marriage declared by both as a very good roommate relationship, which turned things to be better than before. We are friends now, and friends care for each others happiness and well being.
Asperger’s Syndrome; Fibromyalgia Syndrome, what else comes now? Is there really a woman in my head besides me? Is it the medicines? Or it has always been that way? Keep thinking, keep analyzing, never stop, that’s what my brain is configured for. Feels like I’m melting while my life is slipping through my hands like water I can’t hold. So what can I do? Just enjoy life every moment because it hangs from a very thin cord. I guess I could say, like life, I’m still hanging in there, who cares for how long!
Raul
.